In which you will like Christmas music.

I think the most maddening job you could have in December is door-person at Myer. Oh, all we in customer service moan about the incessant, insipid carols… but that’s the thing. Carols. Plural. At Myer, you are subject to Guy Sebastian singing about Santa Claus coming to town on a fucking loop.

If a child complains they didn’t get what they want for Christmas this year, I hope their parents tell them that security guy shot down the red-suited home invader in cold blood.

I love Christmas music. I have a collection of over 500 festive tunes. And most of them are awful. Here’s an almost sure-fire way of determining why they practically all fail.

The closer a Christmas track sticks to the two dudes we celebrate at that time of year, the shitter the track is. Doubly so if said track musically follows their philsophic line

Jesus –> Religion –> Hymn-y traditionals

Santa –> Consumerism –> Crazy commercial ‘tunes’ squalled by the latest poppet/te out of the box with all the originality of bread crumbs in stuffing.

If I had done any math in the past five years, I might try to express it as an equation.

This is contingent upon the idea that it’s possible for Christmas music to be good, which is contentious in the first place. Especially if you’re not into the Jesus thing. If you are, here is a very pretty version of a very pretty song.

I was raised Catholic… in a lapsed sense. My family as a whole is more likely to put a dash between the ‘t’ and ‘h’ to cement their positions as feline hoarders. I do have one Aunt who keeps an audiotape of the rosary by her stereo… but largely Christmas is an excuse to eat, drink and remind ourselves why we see so little of each other throughout the year.

It was after reading the Da Vinci Code in 2004 that my religion completely died. My exact reaction was ‘Wow, that was shit. But actually, what the fuck is up with the bible? That, too, is fairly ridiculous and definitely not real.’ It left a gulf for a while.

But I love the festive season… not just for the conspicuous consumption of pfeffernusse

.

Secular Christmas songs. Some tracks which make no mention of Christmas, but by virtue of mentioning cold weather have been accepted into the canon. Unlike trying to roast a turkey, these traditional tunes can be slipped into a Southern Summer painlessly, provided you have the right version.

That version of Baby It’s Cold Outside wins out over Leon Redbone and Zooey Deschanel’s, by virtue of making the song way less date-rapey.

Of course, actually-having-to-do-with-Christmas becomes irrelevent when they just change the words, partially or entirely.

But then… sometimes… to change the words would be to ruin the point, when you’re changing everything else. Silent Night, incidentally, is my least favourite carol ever. Do They Know it’s Christmas is Number 2.

I suppose the problem with the whole Christmas thing having to do with a virgin and a baby is that there isn’t enough sex. For someone whose favourite track of 2011has the hook ‘I guess that cunt getting eaten’, this can be problematic. Santa Baby has this whole creepy pedo vibe to it, but Lady Gaga solves the issue.

Other tracks on my Christmas Playlist include-but-are-not-exclusive-to-and-do-ask-if-you-need-more:

Run DMC – Christmas in Hollis

The Raveonettes – The Christmas Song

Aimee Mann – You’re a Mean One, Mr Grinch

On!Air!Library! – Snow Miser This may convince you the entire ‘Christmas’ thing was thought up by a drug-addled hipster, not going to lie

Ella Fitzgerald – Sleigh Ride Much with the traditional, and the first time I realised Christmas music was not universally awful

Louis Armstrong – Zat You Santa Claus?

Darlene Love – Marshmallow World

Frank Sinatra (With Nancy, Tina and Frank Jr) – I Wouldn’t Trade Christmas

Cocteau Twins – Winter Wonderland

Pink Martini – Ocho Kandelikas Religion does. not. count. if you don’t speak the language. I’m pretty sure, by this token, it translates into ‘Let’s get overly tipsy around grandma and have a little dance while wearing a silly hat’.

Magnet – Let It Snow

Still not convinced? Here’s Allison Goldfrapp dressed as a polar bear with a broken face, playing a kazoo and singing about how Jesus isn’t a fetus.

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About ducksandsunshine

Some say blogs are paradigms of self-indulgence and narcissism. I'm plenty of those things, but I mostly prefer to spend my not-actually-free hours playing Words With Friends. I like comedy, films, music, long reads and refined sugars.
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